THE STEPS OF AN ANGEL
— Historical fiction based on the life of Buddha
Original Vietnamese version, Bước Đi của Thiên Thần, by Vĩnh Hảo
Translated into English by Văn Thảo Huyền
Whenever someone mentioned Rahula’s father, Yasodhara became distressed and sorrowed. Rahula was still very young and he could not understand his mother’s sadness. He often asked his mother about the father who he had never seen before. Yasodhara could not answer his questions. She kept promising her son that one day the father would returned home.
For many years and many times the promising continued, until one day, trustworthy news came that her husband would be arriving at the palace. Siddhartha, her husband, the Prince of Sakyas’ Kingdom, had left the palace six years ago to be an ordained monk in the Himalaya mountains; he had now reached Enlightenment, become The Perfectly Englightened One, The Most Venerable, The Honored One. Three years after becoming the Buddha, he had established the Sangha community, teaching his Dharma all over the country, and now was on his way back to his native home. His familiar name Prince Siddhartha was not being used anymore: people called him The Buddha, The Tathagata, or The Gautama.
Ever since her husband had left the fortress of the palace into the forest to be ordained as a monk, Yasodhara withdrawn to her own chamber, not joining eagerly with any ritual activity, or any family gathering events. For her, the vibrant youthful life was over from the day he had been gone.
In fact, more than anyone else, she deeply understood the feelings and the ambition of her husband. Although there may be things which he had not told anyone yet, he could not hide it from her. She remembered of the times they ambled along the palace’s garden in the moonlight and looked at the beauty of nature and the peaceful surroundings of the palace. She was so gleeful that she held his arm and leaned her head on his shoulder hoping to hear his confession of love which he had rarely uttered. Yet, he remained silent. He looked wistfully off into the distance and her presence was not drawn to him preciously, whereas, he had once embraced or had tried his best to compete with the other princes to win her over. After wandering many times outside the palace searching to understand the citizen’s life, he had changed tremendously. In his eyes, there was only one flame that was still burning. The burning was very calm but persistant; it was the flame of compassion which he had reserved for the suffering of all human kind. Also in his mind, she was an existence which was a representation of the human life realm of suffering. But maybe she was more special: she was able to be by his side to listen, to understand his innermost feelings and his desires. Of all the things that he had talked to her about, whether it was under the serenity of the moonlight or at the sunrise spreading many colors across the mountains was only his sighing and grief for the suffering of human livelihood that he most wanted her to hear. She recalled that one time, they stood at the balcony looking out to the garden with the moon shined over them and he said:
“Yasodhara, if one day, I may not be by your side, would you blame me?”
Yasodhara lowered her face without answering. Her heartbeat seemed to have stopped. Similar to other young wives, she would not want to be parted from her husband. They had never had any confrontation or argument. Their marriage life had been harmonized and wholehearted which could be said to be the most suitable couple for all other couples to look up to. Therefore, there should be no reason, no barrier that would keep them apart. Yet, he had thoughts of leaving. It seemed that his existance in this realm was not to accept what life had to offer him, but for him to carry out a long journey, a persevering quest to address the needs of all sentient beings. The love he had was not the kind of love which could be measured or sealed within one’s heart, one’s soul, but it was divine, unconditional, without the boundary of traditional love. His traquility of love had gently approached her heart very soothingly and pleasantly; however, on the other hand, it took away her possession of him. It was not something she could possess. Often times, she was ecstatic to accept that great love, but at other times, she would be in despair and just wanted the simple selfish love of a layperson. She longed for his love like a husband would love his only wife. That love would be inseparable and would not be shared with anyone else on this earth…
“My love Siddhartha, I know, I could foresee it in your eyes that one day you would leave me. To wherever your destination may be, you would not need me there with you. I know what you are seeking for and I don’t have those qualifications in me. What you are looking for is not for yourself nor for me alone…” Yasodhara’s throat tightened up and she began to cry aloud.
Siddhartha quietly embraced her. With her face on her husband’s shoulder, Yasodhara murmured:
“All living beings will be joyful and peaceful if you can find your path to the spiritual light. Together with all beings, I will share the bliss. Yet... how will I be able to sustain our separation, my love Siddhartha…”
Siddhartha consoled her, his voice was soft and gentle like the reflection of the yellow moon streaming on the leaves of the night:
“Don’t cry my love. All living beings are waiting for us. They are not just waiting for me only, but they are also waiting for you. Above all, you would be the first person to partake in this holy mission with me.”
That very night, Yasodhara conceived. And on that night, she clearly understood that his departure was very near. He contemplated more and meditated more in the days and nights to come.
When she gave birth to Rahula, King Suddhodana along with other royal families and citizens of the Kingdom were joyful. The King offered to hold banquets to commemorate the birth of Prince Rahula. Nevertheless, Yasodhara knew that the birth of Rahula signified her painful separation with Siddhartha, in which she had foreseen. In her private chamber, she reluctantly welcomed family members coming to visit, and yet, she could only fixate toward the entry door waiting for her husband to appear. When night fall approached, Siddhartha quietly walked in when she was all alone. He sat at the edge of the bed, held her hands and stroked her hair on her forhead to the side. He placed his warm hand on her forehead. Yasodhara suddenly broke down in tears. A flood of tears gushed down her pale cheeks. It was uncontrollably streamed down as if the departure time was truly near. It was no longer a dream. Siddhartha bent over to kiss her tears.
He picked up Rahula, beholding his infant filled with so much love in his eyes. He walked around the room embracing his son in his arms. She laid in bed watching his figure, observing his movements. His eyes twinkled and a smile appeared upon his lips. It was the look and the satisfaction of a happy father. He was now a father. Rahula was cute and plump more than any baby in the Capital City. Her husband chuckled. Maybe… maybe he would forget. Maybe he would forget. He would not leave this place anymore. Rahula was very adorable. He inherited all his father’s aristocratic handsome characteristics. Oh, he was so blissful holding his child. He would forget, he would forget… Suddenly Rahula wailed. He didn’t know what to do to make his son stop crying. He looked at his wife confused and tried to cradle his son in his arms. Nevertheless, Rahula was still crying. He brought Rahula to the bed and placed him next to her. Yasodhara held him. Rahula gurgled and cooed and was hushed by her presence. Siddhartha sat at the very edge of the bed, looking at his wife and son, gently smiling. Then a sudden sadness appeared on his face. Not any happiness could ever last long within him. He kept his composure for a while before he got up and left the room.
Every night, he stopped by his wife’s chamber to visit for a short period of time and then left. He had his own chamber to meditate and to rest at night. Occasionally on some nights, Yasodhara tipped toed to Siddhartha’s room to visit and saw that he had fallen asleep while in sitting meditation. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to wake him up. He meditated hourly on a daily basis and this had created a distance between them where she often felt like he was a monk and not a husband with whom she once shared her feelings.
That night, different from other nights, he came to visit us unusually early after dinner. He sat on the jade chair resting his chin on his hand and observed the nursing of his son. He was very reserved and distracted. In the following minutes, he asked Yasodhara to let him hold his son. He held Rahula for a good length of time walking around the room. He stopped by a window to point at the crescent moon which had just appeared on the east gate of the palace. Rahula was still young and did not understand the significance… he was cheerful. He continued to stand by the window quietly, holding his son in his arms, yet he looked wistfully afar. Rahula had his head resting on his father’s shoulder and sucked his thumb. Yasodhara sat up against the bed observing them, contented, but nervous at the same time.
When he turned around to return Rahula to her, Yasodhara saw his eyes wet with tears. He looked at her affectionately, but did not utter a word. He then retreated.
After midnight while Yasodhara was still tossing and turning reminiscing of the life together with her husband, Siddhartha appeared. He came into the room, seemed to be very hesitant then advanced to her and their son. Yasodhara pretended to be in deep sleep, but with the glimmer of light on the night stand and the light of the moon shining through the window, she could see the sad expression upon his face. He bent over to kiss Rahula. He then sat on the bed, and caressed her cheek with his warm hand. He continued to keep his warm hand there for a few minutes. Yasodhara held in her breath, restrained her emotions. He didn’t know that she was still awake. He gazed at her and his son for a very long time. Once he stood up, Yasodhara’s tears flowed down continuously. She laid there watching him leave the room. His shadow was blurry thru the tears in her eyes. She was still on her bed motionless, her tears kept on rolling. Suddenly he turned around, reapproached back to the room, came aside to the bed, glanced at his wife and child once more. He seemed to have tears in his eyes, she felt it. She wanted to get up and embrace him, but she couldn’t. She just laid there, pretending to be asleep. He gently grasped her hand and lightly kissed the back of her palm. He didn’t notice that she was crying. He turned over to stroke Rahula’s hair. Rahula smiled innocently in his deep sleep. He kissed Rahula on his forhead and left the room once again. This time, he became more confident in his steps. As he reached the door, he stopped and with a quick twist of his head, he looked at his wife and son once more before he disappeared behind the curtain of the door. Yasodhara continued to lay still and groaned in silence. She knew he had left and would never come back unless he had found a true path, a remedy which would bring peace and happiness to all beings. She got up to walk toward the window, observed the clear night sky. After a short while, there were sounds of a horse galloping in the mist outside of the palace.
*
Now, he was on his way back. The entire palace created quite a stir upon his arrival. King Suddhodana was clearly joyful. He paced back and forth within the palace. As he and Queen Maha Pradjapati (Siddhartha’s aunt) went out to the main gate of the palace to greet Siddhartha into the palace, he had someone called Yasodhara to accompany him, but she had made an excuse of being sick and declined the offer. She remained in her chamber alone. She raised the curtain to look out the window. From here, she couldn’t see the main gate of the palace. She could only hear the sound of drums, trumpet and the shouting of joy from the people of Kapilavastu Kingdom. She knew King Suddhodana was still in an illusion, hoping that Siddhartha had changed his mind to return home, and that he would succeed the throne to rule the country. That was all the King had hoped for. Although he had heard that he had become The Enlightened One, teaching all over the nation, the King did not give up. He was excited to meet Siddhartha. He thought that Shakyamuni Buddha being praised by others-wouldn’t have any problem replacing him to rule the Kapilavastu Kingdom. The virutes of a Buddha would increase the stability of the throne as well as strengthen the country. Yasodhara wouldn’t believe it. She knew her husband had found his Path. He had found the Truth. Due to this reason, he would never give up his Path to come back to the life of illusion-even if it may be the life of Royals. He had found the great remedy and he would use it to cure all beings. He had attained his Quest and now started his teaching to offer others. He would never belong to a royal family which had so many limitations. He was the Shakyamuni Buddha of this universe, the World Honored One, who would never be tied down by her beauty. What qualification could she have had to greet him. Even when he was with her before, she had recognized that he would never belong to her. Nevertheless now, he had become another person, a Person with great wisdom, a Buddha- a rumor had spread like that.
Yasodhara stood next to the window, calmly looking at the blooming flowers, peacefully looking at the clouds drifting through the sky. She felt the serenity in her heart for a moment, then began to have passionate emotion as a wife. It had been 10 years since they parted. She wondered what had become of him? Was he well? Many years of living in agony of the high mountain, the forest-if he was sick anywhere. For sure he may be skinnier than before. When she met him, his eyes were illuminated, but he also had a very profound sorrow. He may not be sad anymore since he had found what he was seeking. The more Yasodhara thought, the sensation of excitements deepened in her. But in the end, she brushed off all her thoughts. She clasped the window, her two hands grabbed hold of the window frame, she leaned her face toward it and reminded herself:
“No, no, I should not be in his way. Be braved. I must shared with him this divine mission.”
Although she had reminded herself of it, her tears welled up from deep inside and streamed down her cheek. She tried to suppress all her emotions, searching the broad sky for any spiritual being to give her the willpower to surpass pain. Suddenly Rahula stormed in:
“Mother dear, mother.”
Yasodhara quickly wiped her tears, and turned to her son:
“What is it Rahula, why aren’t you going to meet with your father?”
“I went a distance with Uncle Ananda, but I didn’t want to continue anymore. I wanted to be here with you, mother. Why aren’t you going there to welcome father? Are you sad, mother?”
Having been asked by Rahula, Yasodhara tried to suppress her tears and said:
“I am not sad. I am very happy that he has returned. A son needs to go greet his father, you don’t need to be here with me.”
“I will go if you go too. Without you being next to me, I am afraid of father.”
“Don’t be like that. Your father is very kind. Anyone who meets him would adore him right away. I often told you many stories of your father, do you not remember? Your father loves all beings, why are you afraid of him?”
“He loves all beings, but he doesn’t love me!” Pouting his lips as he said this.
“Nonsense! Your father only has you and he loves you dearly.” As she was talking, Yasodhara felt she had been choked by tears.
She was willing to sacrifice not having her husband with her for the benefit of all human kind, but Rahula had also sacrificed not having a father and that was heartbreaking. He had lost a father from the day he was born. Now, his father has returned… however, he was not a father like any other father. Perhaps, his returned today would make Rahula feel more pain because he would soon leave. This would not be the place where he would settle in. He had told her once before. He said if he would find the culmination one day, he would travel all directions, to wherever there was the sight of suffering, he would teach, comfort, bring happiness and peace to all. Therefore, he would start his journey again after visiting and teaching the people of Kapilavastu Kingdom. If he would have to establish a permanent resisdent to teach and to promote his idealogy of liberation, he would never have choosen the royal palace. A Buddha would never do that. And of all people, she knew very well that he would not belong to any nation, lineage, class or individual, even if it was his wife, Yasodhare or his son, Rahula.
Her throat was tightened up, but she made an effort to continue:
“My dear Rahula, your father loves you very much. However, he also loves everyone else who is in a realm of suffering. Due to that reason, he left the Royal Palace to find the Truth Path. I have told you this before, didn’t I?”
“Yes mother, you have told me. You have also told me that father had become a Buddhist monk living in the forest, beneath a tree, right mother?”
“Exactly my son, your father has become a Buddha, meaning he is a highly dignified Teacher which everyone on this earth respectfully admires.”
“So…. So… is father going to come back to the Royal Palace to be the King, mother? Is father coming back to be with us, mother?”
Yasodhara paused for a second before telling Rahula in hoping that he would be glad to accept the absence of Siddhartha in the Palace:
“A virtuous King such as your grandfather can only bring prosperity to the people of Kapilavastu Kingdom and not being able to do the same for any other Kingdom. Your grandfather can only rule this Kingdom for a limited number of years, not forever. Your grandfather cannot attend to, or resolve any individual suffering of this Kingdom. An Enlightened One like your father is different. Very different. Again… do you understand what I have been telling you, Rahula?”
Rahula quickly responded:
“Yes mother, I understand. I understand the fact that my father has become The Great Buddha and that he will accomplish something greater than my grandfather.”
Yasodhara blissfully embraced her son.
“Oh my beloved son, you are too clever! You are only ten years old and your intelligence is as comparable as your father when he was your age. I have told you already, didn’t I? Yes, your father was an outstanding person when he was young. Although I was young, I heard rumors that there was a special young boy of my age with vast intelligence. Many years later, I also heard it from the higher ranking officials. You have inherited all the extraordinary qualities of your father, but… your father had become a… what will become of you…”
“You don’t want me to follow in father’s footsteps, right mother? Because father had become a monk, he could not succeed the throne after grandfather, therefore, you want me to make grandfather happy by taking father’s place, right mother?”
Yasodhara was startled as she looked at Rahula. She couldn’t believe her son was so observant.
“Rahula, you are so understanding. Yes, your responsibility is to supersede your father, your grandfather to rule this Kingdom. However… one thing I would want to ask you is…” She hesitated for a second, Yasodhara had decided to ask him a direct question. “Would you be sad if your father left again after visiting us?”
Rahula thought for a moment and said:
“I would be sad. I want father to stay next to you so you won’t be sad anymore. I also want father to teach me archery, fencing, horse riding and learning to read. Uncle Ananda told me he was great in those fields. I would be sad without father, and you are not happy either. Although he hasn’t been with us for a long time, I am happy to know that he is healthy and is a Buddha. I wouldn’t dare to ask him to stay, but to let him exercise his duty as a Buddha.”
Yasodhara looked at Rahula and happy tears started to fall.
“Don’t cry mother. Come along to meet father with me.”
“I’m not sad Rahula. Actually I am very enchanted, but I don’t think I want to go anywhere. You must listen to me and go meet your father. You will learn many good things from him which you can apply to your daily life as well as benefiting you in ruling this Kingdom in the future. Your father has an indefinite treasure that no one else in this universe has.”
“Mother, you said treasure?! Oh, I am so excited!”
Yasodhara smiled:
“Yes, a priceless treasure only your father possess.”
Eventhough Rahula had left, she continued repeating to herself what she had just told her son. A priceless treasure which no one on this earth could obtain.
*
Rahula had passed the harems, crossing the corridor to the front of the Palace. Lord Gautama along with all his disciples went into Palace when Rahula arrived. Peeking from the outside, Rahula saw about ten monks who had shaved their heads bald, wearing dirty faded color patched robes. Rahula was astonished. He could not imagine that his father, a Prince, was also a ragged poor monk. Previously, Rahula had heard from his mother that his father had become a monk; nonetheless, could he imagine that his father had lived a poverty life like other monks. From afar, Rahula couldn’t see his father’s face, but he knew that his father was talking to his grandfather. All the other monks stood around them. Rahula awkwardly stood outside for a while. He took a deep breath and bravely walked in.
King Suddhodana was the first person to see Rahula. He was still deep with thoughts of sadness that his beloved Siddhartha who had traveled to other Kingdoms was wearing the raggedy robe as any monk, and now returning home with that same robe. His heart shattered as he welcome Siddhartha and the other monks. He didn’t need a Buddha. He needed a Prince to take over his throne. Siddhartha was the only son he had high expectations for, and the only son who had caused him great heart ache only because he would not live a normal life as any other young man. As he saw Rahula walked in, he snapped out of his thoughts. He knew that only Rahula could give him true comfort, the only person that he trusted to succeed him once he past away. He also knew his son, Siddhartha would never leave the life of a monk to come back to the Palace. As Rahula was approaching, he told Siddhartha:
“Since you have made your decision, there wouldn’t be anything else I could have done differently. I would let Rahula to be the heir. Look, Rahula is coming. He is only ten years old, he is very intelligent like you in the old days.”
Siddhartha smiled as he looked toward Rahula.
Rahula knelt down to greet King Suddhodana first then turned toward Siddhartha, his father. Siddhartha waved his hand to call him over:
“Rahula, come here.”
Rahula tip toed to his father. He was a little wary of how he should address his father and showed his actions in ways which would fit in the situation of him and his father, or of a layperson to a Buddha. Rahula didn’t dare look straight into his father’s eyes. He lowered his head and stood next to Siddhartha. As Siddhartha caressed his head, he made a comment which didn’t seem to be personal, yet was very loving and touching:
“Is this Rahula?! You have grown so much beyond my imagination!”
Tears welled up in King Suddhodana’s eyes. All the other monks were choked up as well.
With only one statement, a loving touch on his head from Siddharth, Rahula became a little more braved, knelt down as he looked up to his father. Rahula felt happiness and refreshed as if he would be immersed into a clear stream on a really hot day. With his father, Rahula felt that there was a boundless love which was beyond the father and son relationship that he had been waiting for. His happiness continued to spread which made him want to be with his father forever. Then he suddenly blurted out:
“Father dear... opps, no… Dear Buddha, I want to be with you forever.”
Siddhartha smiled as he gently caressed his head and whispered to Rahula:
“If you truly wish to be with me, then you will be with me one day.”
Yasodhara appeared at this very moment. Everyone turned around to look. The atmosphere in the Palace suddenly calmed down. Yasodhara’s beauty was very subdued and virtuous. Her dressing was casual, no jewelries, no perfume, and bare feet walked into the Palace. She stood there silently looking toward Siddhartha, her dearly beloved husband who had been away for ten years. King Suddhodana always had feelings of guilt that his clan had not brought happiness to Princess Yasodhara, therefore, when he saw her walked in, he whispered to Siddhartha:
“Oh my miserable daughter-in-law, Yasodhara! These past ten years, she had been staying inside her chamber waiting on news of you daily, hourly. She had declined many parties, refused to have any personal adornment and deprived herself to attending any feasts offered by the Royals. She wanted to share the ascetic life with you. When you were practicing as an austere religionist in the forest, she too did the very same thing in her own Palace chamber. I felt great anguish for her! But I didn’t know what to do. You…. You can comfort her. Only you can relieve her sadness.”
After expressing his concern of Yasodhara, he had announced that he needed to rest. He wanted Siddhartha and Yasodhara to have a natural welcoming environment. All the court officials understood the significant of it and got up to escort the King out of his court.
Yasodhara stepped a little closer to Siddhartha. She observed him thoroughly. He was the same. His amber black eyes were hidden between the high ridge narrow nose of a nobleman, long and thick blacked eyebrow under the broaden intellectual forhead. She anxiously took a few more steps closer toward him. Without taking her eyes off him, she noticed a few changes in him: he was slender and darker than before. She also noticed in his eyes and on his forhead, he did not have any apperance of distress or worry as before. He had confidentially grasp and found what he had been searching.
Siddhartha remained quiet and gave a hand gesture to invite Yasodhara to sit at the chair across from him. Yasodhara didn’t sit. She stood there for a while, giving him her gaze. She slumped down to hug his leg. She bursted out into tears. Her tears dropped down to his feet, and all the past memories began to arise by the sequence of time: From the first rumors she had heard of his outstanding abilities; to the time which she and her parents witnessed the competition among other Princes to marry her; to the two kingdoms’ subjects celebrated their Royal wedding; to their attendance of the Palace social gatherings from dusk to dawn; of the times they walked in the palace garden on many nights under the moonlight; to the time she discovered she was pregnant with Rahula; to the last kissing of her hand before he left the Palace to be ordained; to his ascetical life in the deep forest and the times she remained in the Palace waiting as she raised their child… Reflecting upon all the happy memories in detail, the selfish love, the worrying of the unstable marriage, all, which she had experienced with him as bountiful as the water flowing in a river. These vivid memories were now back only a short amount of time. She acknowledged that the past would never reappear again. She knew and realized her youth, love, all the illusive hopes and dreams which she recently had… that he would stay by her and her son’s side forever, all had been swept away. As the memories drifted down the stream, she let go of everything. She would share his burden. She would sacrifice her own love to attain the happiness of all beings. She had tears of pain running down her cheeks and her keenness of heartache continued.
The disciples of Siddhartha had witnessed this very unsettled scene; however, they were very respectful of their teacher’s young wife. They were heartrending for Yasodhara, but it was insignificant for the princess to cling onto Shakyamuni’s leg and shed many tears. Siddhartha was very patient. He let her be as she was, crying and holding on to his leg. He knew she had tried her very best to restrain herself. She was a widow of morality and characters; nevertheless, it did not mean she could fully accepted the physical separation forever to a husband who was still alive and sat across from her. He comforted her in an understanding tone:
“Yasodhara, I cannot begin tell you how much appreciation I have for you. Throughout my journey of seeking the Truth and practicing Buddhism, you were not physically present, but you have shared and sacrificed with me in tranquility. My dedication to end suffering has been strengthened by your quiet contribution. Please continue to share this mission with me, Yasodhara!”
Yasodhara did not speak, she could only cry. Rahula was also choked up looking at his mother. The atmosphere was very silent with the only sounds of Yasodhara’s sobbing.
Having heard their Teacher expressed his thoughts of praise and comfort for his wife, the attending disciples were moved and believed in the pure and unworldliness of their Teacher and Princess Yasodhara. One of the monks stepped up to Siddhartha and respectfully said:
“Dear Shakyamuni Buddha, our Sangha would like to express our graditude to Princess Yasodhara. Due to her self-sacrifice, dear Teacher was able to surpass all the obstacles of personal love, became more confident on the journey to finding the Truth of life, and in the end has attained highest Enlightment, which now, you are guiding us and all sentient beings to achieve that salvation.” Siddhartha bent down to talk to Yasodhara:
“Absolutely, Yasodhara had shared with me since the beginning, and she will continue to embark on that mission. Right, Yasodhara? Would you say it?”
At this point, Yasodhara let go of Siddhartha’s leg, but kept kneeling on the floor, dried her tears and looked up to say:
“Dear Gautama…Shakyamuni Buddha… I am content when I know you have found peace and liberation.”
Yasodhara stood up, and asked permsission to leave. Siddhartha and all the disciples clearly saw the appeareance of contentment on Yasodhara’s face when she left the royal court. Rahula also took leave and followed his mother. As he reached the door, he suddenly remembered something, and he ran back to his father.
“Dear Gautama, is it true that you have great treasures which no one has it? Will you please show it to me?”
Siddhartha smiled and said:
“Whenever there are births then there will be deaths. If you are awaiting the treasures of valuable jade and jewelry from me, then you will be disappointed. Those treasures will not bring anyone peace and liberation. I only have the serenity of the heart which cannot be destroyed nor reduced. That is my only treasure. For you to see this treasure, you have to have great wisdom to strike off all the ailments which have covered that treasure box. Well, do you think you would want to find that treasure box?”
“Dear Buddha, I would love too. But now…I have to go after mother. Goodbye for now, Buddha.”
*
“Mother, why were you crying when you saw father. Are you suffering, mother? You are not happy when he became a monk, a Buddha and would not come back to us, right mother?”
“It’s not true, Rahula. I didn’t want to hinder his path. I am very happy to accept my separation with your father so that he could be devoted to taking care of everyone’s suffering.”
“Why are you still crying so much, I don’t understand. I can see that you are…suffering greatly.”
“Don’t think like that Rahula. Do you remember how I helped pull your tooth out last month?”
“I remember.”
“Before you let me pull out your tooth, did you know that it would hurt?”
“Yes, I knew.”
“Then why did you agree to let me pull it out for you?”
“Because I didn’t want to keep the rotten tooth which gave me pain all the time. Also, you told me that if I pulled the rotten tooth out, then a healthier one would replace it.”
“You had agreed to let me pull it out, so did it hurt when I pulled it out?”
“Yes….very painful.”
“So you cried and were in pain at the same time, right?”
“Yes, true.”
“You understood that the tooth needed to be pulled, you agreed to let someone else pull it for you and you still cried because it hurt!”
Rahula smiled shamefully.
“Why aren’t you answering my question, but talked about my tooth being pulled out mother?”
“It was for the same reason why I cried at your father’s leg a while ago. I am very happy to let go of your father, who wants to become a monk, a Buddha to help the cessation of suffering and to bring happiness to all beings. However…being apart from him is very painful.”
“Where are you hurting mother, let me massage it for you?”
“I am hurt here, at my chest, in my heart.”
*
The next day, Gautama held a Dharma teaching at the palace. Rahula along with his mother attended the session.
Gautama described the fundamental tenets of a person’s realm of suffering which no one could avoid, whether that person was born in the Royal Palace or from a tilted straw hut of slavery. Birth, old age, sickness, and death are the origin of sufferings which Gautama strongly emphasized. After that, he outlined the exact cause of suffering. He then praised Nirvana, the state of liberation and purification of the meditation mind which anyone could achieve if one would diligently practice correctly. Lastly, he taught of ways to attain Nirvana through the Middle Way of The Noble Eigthfold Path.
When Gautama ended his Dharma talk, the whole royal palace was peacefully joyous as if they had found a way out after many long nights wondering in the darkness. Many Royal family members volunteered to be ordained monks which Gautama accepted and shaved their hair on the spot.
After he had listened to the Dharma, Rahula felt shaken in his heart. Ever since The Gautama has visited the Palace, Rahula had lighted up a dream in his heart for which he was not able to see clearly yet. As he watched Uncle Ananda (Siddhartha’s first cousin) and other royal family members get ordained, Rahula understood right away that this may be his dream, to become a novice monk as his father Siddhartha. Rahula remembered the first time meeting his father, it was his father who told him: “one day you will be with me.” That statement was an implication of the Gautama’s acceptance of Rahula becoming a monk if he asked for permission. However, as he looked at the Gautama’s Sangha, he did not see anyone of his age. He began to wonder. He wondered if Gautama would let him ordain. If he wanted to be ordained, he may have to wait until he reached the age of Uncle Ananda to be accepted. If that was the case, then his wait would be too long. Rahula wanted to be a novice monk now. He could not wait. He would tell his mother and ask his mother to help him today.
Rahula went to see his mother in her chamber. As she saw Rahula walk in with a cute childish wistful face, Yasodhara laugh as she asked:
“What is bothering you that made you looked so serious? That expression was like your father a long time ago!”
Rahula kneeled down next to his mother, kissed his mother’s hand and asked:
“Did you like Gautama’s Dharma talk mother?”
“It was great! He has to be The Perfectly Enlightened One to thoroughly and clearly explain the culmination like that. After listening, I also wanted… to be ordained. Regretfully, Gautama’s Sangha doesn’t accept females.”
“You are right, I didn’t see female nuns in the Gautama’s Sangha. I didn’t see any monk of my age either. Why is that mother, why didn’t the Gautama let any female and kids of my age ordain?”
“Maybe Gautama thinks the presence of the females will bring trouble into the conduct lives of the Sangha; besides, His Dharmas are complex and thorough, and because most females are uneducated, they cannot understand his Dharma.”
“What about the kids of my age? How come I don’t see Gautama letting any of them ordain?”
“Your age?” Yasodhara laugh aloud, “Kids your age do not know anything to be ordained! To be ordained is not something that one can play around with, you know that! If Gautama accepts kids into his Sangha…it would require a lot of effort to look after those kids! Oh, but why are you asking about that? Are you wanting… you want to be ordained also?
“Yes mother, I want to be a novice monk. Will you please ask Gautama for me, mother!”
“My lord! Is it not enough for your father to become a monk, a Buddha, now you want to follow him and leave me too!”
“I’m not leaving you. I will just be ordained as a novice. To be ordained doesn’t mean I’m dying, so why are you afraid mother?”
“But it’s the same as you would leave me. You don’t want to stay by my side?”
“Yes… I would like to, but one of these days I would have to leave you anyways. Gautama says there is nothing permanent on this world.”
“It’s true, but…my Lord! How can I make you understand! In short, I don’t agree with you being ordained. Let alone, your grandfather and this whole Palace have relied upon you. Do you not remember that the throne of Kapilavastu Kingdom is waiting for you?”
“Of course, I remember, but it is not important mother! You have also heard what Gautama said, that nothing is permanent forever. The throne too.”
“But if you leave, who will succeed the throne?”
“Whoever wants to, let him be the King! Why does someone from the Sakya clan have to be the king of this Kingdom?”
“Because… because… it belongs to the Sakya clan. This is very important. You cannot fully understand it at your age yet. Now, you cannot disappoint your grandfather again. Also..” (as Yasodhara was talking, she became a little more cheerful, perhaps, she had found the backbone for her, she didn’t have to worry anymore), “You don’t have to worry about being ordained anyway: Gautama does not let anyone of your age join his Sangha anyway!”
“I will make a request of the Gautama to let the adolescents be ordained.”
“You will make a request?” Yasodhara laugh out loud again. “Who would listen to you? If you look at other religions you will see, none of them let kids be ordained into their religion!”
“But the Dharma of the Gautama will open up the path for adolescents like me.”
“How do you know?” Yasodhara laughed as she asked.
“Because yesterday Gautama said in his Dharma that everyone has the ability to become the Enlightened One and the capability to become a Buddha like him.”
Yasodhara was astonished for a moment, then said:
“That doesn’t mean that Gautama will permit young adolescents to be ordained. Why not wait until these young adolescents become young adults to make their own decision. To be ordained at an early age does not have any benefit to it! It will cause more complications for Gautama and his disciples.
“It is very beneficiary mother. Anyway… let me talk with Gautama. I am sure he will agree for me to be ordained. Now, I’m on my way to see him.”
“Wait… you wait here. Let me go see Gautama to ask him first, if he doesn’t agree then you can go beg him afterwards. Is that ok?”
“You’ve agreed to ask permission for me?” Rahula asked excitedly.
Yasodhara only grunted as she fixed her outfit and said to Rahula:
“You sit there, don’t go anywhere. Just wait for me here so I can go talk to Gautama.”
“Yes mother, you go ahead. I will wait here. I know that if you ask, the Buddha will accept it. Remember to tell him, Rahula, wants to become a novice monk, don’t say a kid in the Royal Palace wants it.”
Yasodhara stopped at the door, turned around to say:
“You make it sound as though if your name is mentioned than Gautama would change the rules of the Sangha! Didn’t you know that a buddha who has totally attained Enlightment…”
As she was talking, Yasodhara changed her mind, she stopped there, then left.
Yasodhara’s heart was entangled, worried, fearful as she visualized her young child leaving her and the palace, to be homeless and live an ascetic life like his father. She hurried to look for Gautama but was informed that he was still giving his Dharma teachings to all the King’s relatives and the higher officials of the palace.
When she was there, Yasodhara saw a crowd of about two hundred people who were concentrating on the Gautama’s Dharma teachings. She didn’t know how to tell Gautama about opposing Rahula’s idea of wanting to become a novice monk. She quietly dropped to her knees like everyone else and waited until Gautama finished his teachings. Her heart and mind burned as if it was on fire, anxiously waiting and mentally not present to listen to the Dharma. Although with those circumstances, she was still able to absorb what the Buddha was teaching. Gautama had emphasized clearly that anyone could become Buddha. That ability was not based on more or less, big or small of social class, ages, genders… of the people. All human beings equally inherit this ability. She was more anxious. She wanted to dispel all the Buddha’s teaching. She didn’t want to listen anymore. She wanted to tell the Buddha that she had already lost a husband, she didn’t want to loose her beloved son also. She could no longer bear the pain. The Buddha’s teachings had shaken the highly educated people of the country, at the same time, it frightened a mother’s heart who was very attached to the love of her son. She and Rahula had been afflicted by Gautama’s teachings. They had opened up new hope for people of different social classes. Everyone rushed to give their homes away, resigned from their jobs to become the Buddha’s disciples. If she couldn’t prevent it in time, Rahula would leave the Royal Palace to become a monk.
As she was quietly worrying, she was startled when she saw many people bow to the Gautama as they were leaving. Knowing the Dharma session was done, she walked up to Gautama to tell him of Rahula’s decision.
Gautama seemed to see the distressed upon her face, he asked as she knelt down:
“Yasodhara, is there something bothering you? Let me know if I can help you in anyway.”
Seeing that Gautama had encouraged her to express her feelings, Yasodhara began to talk:
“Dear Buddha, Rahula…”
“What about Rahula? Is it because he has been mischievous which made you unhappy?”
“Respectfully no… I would like to ask you something first… Is it true that you would agree for Rahula to succeed to the throne after the royal heirs pass away?
“Yes, I can agree to that.”
“Thus, you will do everything in your power to prevent Rahula from leaving the palace, right?”
“Yes, I will discourage Rahula from wandering the streets outside of the palace.”
“No, Rahula doesn’t want to wander the streets outside of the palace, he wants to follow your footsteps.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. I haven’t yet accepted Rahula to be a novice and Rahula had not yet told me his desire to be one, except when he first met me, he said he wanted to stay by my side.”
“Did you encourage him to become a novice at that time.”
“No, Yasodhara. I only told him that if he really wanted too, he might be able to be with me one day. It was only a promise, an encouragement for Rahula, if he really wanted to become a monk.”
“Oh, Rahula has the desire to be a novice, what am I going to do. You have to prevent him from it. I only want Rahula to be with me…”
“Don’t worry, Rahula hasn’t reach adulthood yet. The Sangha would not accept him.”
“As you said, you would let Rahula become a novice when he is old enough. Therefore, in about eight to ten more years he would still leave the palace, leaving me.”
“If he doesn’t have the primary desire to become a novice monk, if he doesn’t retain his great desire to be one then within three years, he would forget about what he wanted today. But if he really wants to be a monk and has a wish to find Enlightenment, I don’t think forbidding him would be rational or result in a good outcome. Also, to be ordained as a monk, to achieve salvation is something to encourage!”
“No, it cannot be. Rahula cannot become a monk. Although I know that becoming a monk is very prestiges, I will not be happy letting go of Rahula. For me, and the Sakya clan, please stop him from leaving us. Dear Buddha, please don’t accept Rahula into your Sangha…”
Gautama contemplated for a moment, then reassured Yasodhara:
“Alright, I will. Although, we may have to wait to see if my interference can win over Rahula’s volition is mostly important. For those people who have a strong will, I wouldn’t think that they could be tied down with a simple deflect. You can rest in peace and tell Rahula that the Sangha only accepts those who reach adult age.”
Yasodhara returned to her chamber. Rahula was leaning out the window waiting for his mother. When he saw her came back, Rahula ran to her excitedly to ask:
“What happened? What did the Buddha say mother?”
“Don’t blame me my son. I have tried my very best, but couldn’t get his permission for you. The Buddha said his Sangha would not accept young children to be ordained. You are only ten years old, therefore, you wouldn’t be accepted.
“I am almost eleven years old. Not ten years old anymore.”
“Eleven years old is not enough! You have to be twenty years old to be considered an adult!”
“Twenty years old!” Rahula counted on his fingers, “twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen…nineteen, twenty! Nine. Nine more years. I don’t want to wait! I want to be ordained now.”
“Why does it have to be now and not nine years from now. You make it sound like you can die if you cannot be ordained now.” Yasodhara could not hide her anger.
Rahula seemed afraid looking at his mother, so he pleaded softly.
“I apologize mother, but…I don’t know what has gotten into me, I really wanted to be ordained. Will you let me go see Buddha, mother?”
Yasodhara embraced him to her heart, stroking his hair:
“Ok, if you want to go see him directly, you may. I am not opposing you anymore. But I’ll let you know first, the Buddha will not accept young children.”
“I will request it to The Buddha. I’m leaving now mother.”
Rahula wrapped his arm around her neck, kissed her cheek and ran off. Yasodhara shook her head as she looked at him run off with a hearty laugh and cry at the same time.
*
“Rahula, come on in. Why are you hesitating?” Gautama said:
Rahula appeared at the door timidly clutching his lips together, boldly walked in, dropped his knees to Gautama. Gautama solemnly asked:
“There must be some fine deeds for Rahula to come see me today?
Rahula did not raise up his face, but he articulated each word clearly:
“Dear Buddha, I am Rahula, today, I would like to ask for your permission to be ordained into the Sangha.”
Gautama grinned. He looked around to see the expression of all his disciples. He saw everyone was genuinely shocked when they heard Rahula express his wish to be ordained. No one could imagine a ten years old boy, a future king of this nation to volunteer to become a monk.
Gautama firmly told Rahula:
“Our Sangha has not established the rule to accept underage people. You are still very young to join our Sangha.”
Rahula courageously replied:
“I have heard you teach us that everyone has the capability to become a Buddha. Therefore, young kids like me also have Buddha nature. We could be ordained as monks and become a Buddha like you and other monks.”
“True, I have taught it like that. But it was said from the perspective of the physical visible world; however, regarding the inner wisdom, young kids are very active and easily distracted, they are not at the maturity level to understand the complexity of the Dharma and sustain the hard life of a monk.”
“I will practice meditation to be able to understand the Dharma, as well as hone my will to endure the hard life.”
“No one in my Sangha has the time to take care of you like your mother would have done.”
“I am able to take care myself.”
“The life of a monk is very laborsome, we struggle through the elements of the weather, eating in an austere way, not enough time to rest, it would be unbearable for young children.”
“I can withstand the strain.”
“Monks practice alms, volunteer each day to beg for food, you are a Prince who is used to the extravagant and the privileged life, how could you do it!”
“If Buddha can do it, I can do it also.”
“Monk’s vow is to be single for the rest of his life, no wife, no kids, no house, detach from family love, family clan to focus on the Path of Enlightment, do you think you would be able to do that?”
“I can handle it.”
“Although you may have the determination, I haven’t fully agreed to the idea of letting young children ordain. Yet, I also cannot believe that you would be able to keep your promise to do it! Besides, my teachings are beyond the understanding of young children.”
Rahula was still kneeling and did not look up, he firmly said:
“Dear Buddha, many years ago you left alone to search for the truth of the world, you went through many hardships before you became Enlightened, no one lead the way, yet you were able to find it yourself. Now the Truth has been found, the path is very clear, also having you to lead me, defintiely I will succeed.”
“Very commendable, Rahula! However, there is nothing to prove that you have made up your mind to disinherent or leave the royal life to follow me to be ordained. Show me that you can do it!”
Rahula was still on his knees, covering his face with his two hands, thinking of a way to prove his determination. After a moment of silence, Rahula responded to Gautama:
“Dear Buddha, if I am not granted permission to be ordained, I vow to kneel here and will not get up.”
Gautama looked at Rahula, amused and yet shocked at his charming behavior and firm determination. In this situation, Gautama pondered with carefully considerate of Rahula’s persistence and Yasodhara’s request. As he was debating, he saw Yasodhara appear out of no where, bow to Gautama then quickly say:
“Dear Buddha, Rahula is still very young, I am afraid that he cannot endure the austerity life of the Sangha community, please take it into consideration before you make any decision.”
Gautama said in a warmed tone:
“Yasodhara, I haven’t made any decision, although Rahula has made a clear determination that he would not be flinching with any obstacle. You have witnessed and heard what Rahula has said, haven’t you?”
“I have heard, but…it is hard to accept.”
Rahula heard of what his mother had said. He did not look up, but firmly said:
“Dear Buddha, Dear Holy Venerables and Dear Mother, please don’t deter us young kids. If the Sangha does not accept me just because of my age, then I will do what the Buddha had done when he passed the fortress of the palace in searching for the Truth.”
Once again, Gautama and his disciples were moved by Rahula’s determination. Yasodhara was surprised but fearful, touched and loved with tears by his adamant wishes. Among the Budhha’s students, an elder student stepped out to bow to Gautama and said:
“Dear Buddha, it is so joyful and respectful to hear of Rahula’s wish. He, who has great ambition and dignity for the younger generation to look up to and many generations to come. Would you please kindly agree to Prince Rahula’s request?”
Another monk had stepped out and said:
“Absolutely, Buddha. Please do not reject Prince Rahula. His wish to be ordained is very rare and hard to accomplish. The future young generation will rely on this primary cause of ordaination to continue to learn of your great Dharma at the very young age where their inner lives are still flexible. I believe letting young children ordain should be done, should be changed in our Sangha community. Please accept Prince Rahula’s request.
Gautama did not respond. He comtemplated for a few seconds. The whole hall was waiting in silence. Suddenly out of nowhere, King Suddhodana appeared. He had heard news of Rahula wanting to be a monk and rushing over to dissuade him from doing it. As he reached Gautama, he said right away:
“Dear… Gautama, don’t ever agree with a young child’s momentary desires. In a few days Rahula may not be suitable to the Sangha’s life. By that time, returning back to the palace is very inconvenient and disgraceful to the Sangha community and to the Royal Palace. I would like to a give a suggestion as follows: You can extend the regulation of the Sangha community by accepting under age children into the Sangha, however, they need to have approval of their parents. Do you think that suggestion is rational?”
“Agreeable. Your suggestion is very rational.”
Gautama’s response had made his disciples very happy, knowing that their Teacher has accepted young children into the Sangha community. Although, in Rahula’s situation, everyone knew that the problem had not gone smoothly for young Prince: King Suddhodana believed that Yasodhara would be on his side by deterring Rahula from joining the Sangha, therefore, he brought up the suggestion. Of course Siddhartha has the right to make all decisions of Rahula’s life, however, he is now a Buddha. He has become a monk, therefore, the decision could not be made by him anymore. Rahula was only his mother’s responsibility. Therefore, right after Gautama answered, King Suddhodana turned to Yasohara to tell her right away:
“I really don’t want Rahula to be ordained without the permission of his mother. Yasodhara, as Gautama has agreed to my suggestion, only you as Rahula’s sole guardian would be able to make the decision whether Rahula can or cannot join the Sangha community. Gautama can give his consensus to accept Rahula into the Sangha, that’s his entitlement in the Sangha community, but to let Rahula leave the Royal Palace to be ordained is up to you Yasodhara. Isn’t it, right? Then you should say something, tell Gautama, everyone and Rahula, whether you will give permission for Rahula to be ordained or not.”
Gautama smiled as he looked over to Rahula who was still bending over to the floor. In the mean time, everyone looked toward Princess Yasodhara, waiting for an answer. Yasodhara eyed Rahula, her beloved son who had bonded so much with her in the past ten years. Now, that young lovable child was still on his knees trying to hold on to his sizeable wish. “What should I do?” Yasodhara was uncertain as she asked herself. She caressed Rahula’s soft, curly hair. Rahula did not budge, he continued to have his face down on his small delicate hands, yet he was able to feel the motherly love thru her warm hands. Those hands, those tenderly warm hands were very familiar to Rahula. His mother’s love had given him a happy and joyful life in the past ten years. It was only that love he humblingly received from his virtuous mother. Rahula quivered for a moment. He remained silent and motionless. Yasodhara fondly asked her son:
“Do you sincerely wish to follow the Buddha’s Sangha, Rahula?
“Yes, dear mother.”
“You won’t come back with regret, right Rahula?”
“Yes, dear mother.”
“Are you determined to achieve your Holiness practice, Rahula?”
“Yes, dear mother.”
Tears began to roll down her cheeks, Yasodhara looked at Gautama, then to King Suddhodana, and dropped her chin and wept. Restraining her crying, she bowed to Gautama:
“Dear Buddha, a Great Teacher of the three realms and four species. Nothing could be an impediment to Rahula’s determination. Will you joyfully let Rahula be ordained and guide him to reach the ultimate goal of becoming a Buddhist monk?”
King Suddhodana was shocked. He looked at Yasodhara for a moment, sighed, and walked away sadly. Gautama said:
“So great of you, Yasodhara. You have shown your unselfish love because of me, and of Rahula, you have done something that was very hard to do, you have indirectly contributed to the viability and continuance of the Dharma teaching for many more generations to come. I will acknowledge your selfless act and because of Rahula’s great determination to be ordained, I will accept Rahula into our Sangha community. Also from now on, I will allow any young children to join the Sangha to be a monk, with their parents’ permission. Rahula, your wish has come true, you can stand up now.”
Rahula was now able to look up, he happily bowed to Gautama and then to Yasodhara. Rahula and his mother embraced each other. Yasodhara was tearing up as she stroked his head. Rahula didn’t cry but he was choked up because of his pity for his mother. He had given her his validation and began to make his commitment to the life of a monk. Yasodhara didn’t want Rahula to be lingering too long, she bowed to Gautama then took leave.
Rahula’s eyes followed his mother into the distance, he turned around and noticed Gautama and the monks were waiting for him. He quickly kneeled down to his knees in front of Gautama waiting for his teaching.
“Congratulations Rahula, although you are still very young, you have strong will to be ordained. I hope you will be trustworthy of the expectation of everyone in the Sangha. From this day forward, you are an official member of the Sangha community. Therefore, you must strive your hardest to abide by the rules, regulations and the forbidden laws of the Sangha. The elder Sariputra will teach you in place of me. You need to pay him respect and become his attendant to learn the Dharma.”
Sariputra obeyed Gautama’s order, shaved Rahula’s head, and received Rahula as his student. Rahula became the youngest monk of the Sangha communty. And there after, the term novice monk existed for any young person who wanted to be ordained.
*
Like many other Holy monks who had followed The Buddha, Rahula had accomplished his wish: At the age of 20 after he had received the Bhikkhu’s rules, Rahula had attained Arahat. The image of Rahula in the primitive congregation to the thousands of years beyond were the precious image of a little angel, determined to be ordained at a very young age, and finally able to accompany The Buddha and his disciples on their journey to the Englightenment Path together. Rahula not only was a pioneer for himself, but he was also leading the way for many more young novice monks around the world, for many generations, to step into the much broader peaceful and sublime Zen world.
North Hollywood, 27/12/1992
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